An Inconvenient Truth - Transcript
Al Gore has really done the Earth a favor with this documentary.There are other important works on the subject of our global
environment's man-made trauma, but this is a very succinct and vitally relevant telling. One need not imagine how many important
discussions and ideas have been sparked by it, one need only observe objectively the evolving global attitudes on the subject
since the films release, for ample proof of its growing impact. As a Home School project I'm writing out and illustrating
the entire transcription from this movie. A fun exercise for sure!
In case you'd like to read what all the fuss was about, here's the unofficial transcription from this very important film.
If you haven't seen it yet, hurry and do so.... Time is running out!
Index
In Touch
You listen to a river gently rolling by.
You notice the leaves rustling in the wind.
You hear the birds, you hear a tree fall.
In the distance you hear a cow.
You ..
It's quiet, peaceful.
And all of a sudden, it's a gear shift inside you.
And it's like taking a deep breath
Oh yeah. I forgot about that.
Earth Rise
This
is the first picture of the Earth from space that any of us ever
saw. It was taken on Christmas Eve 1968 during the Apollo 8
mission.
More...In relatively comfortable boundaries... But we are
filling up that thin shell of atmosphere with pollutants.
I'm Al Gore. I used to be the next
president of the United States.
.I don't find that particularly funny.
I've been trying to tell this story for a long time and I feel
as I've failed to get the message across.
I was in politics for a long time. I'm proud of my services.
(Mayor of New
Orleans in background).
There are good people who are in politics who hold this at arm's
length because they acknowledge it and recognize it as a moral
imperative to
make big changes .
And they lost radio contact when they went around to the dark
side of the moon and there was inevitably some suspense. Then when
they came back in radio contact they looked up and snapped this
picture and it became known as Earth Rise. And that one picture
exploded in the consciousness of the human kind. It led to dramatic
changes. Within 18 months of this picture the modern environmental
movement had begun.
The
next picture was taken on the last Apollo mission, Apollo 17. This
one was taken on Dec. 11, 1972 and it is the most commonly
published photograph in all of history. And it is the only picture
of Earth from space that we have where the sun was directly behind
the spacecraft so that the Earth is fully lit up, and not partly in
darkness.
The next I'm going to show you has almost never been seen. It
was taken by a spacecraft called the Galileo that went out to
explore the solar system. As it was leaving Earth's gravity it
turned its cameras around and took a time lapsed picture of one
day's worth of rotation here compressed into 24 seconds. Isn't that
beautiful?
This image is a magical image in a way. It is made by a friend
of mine, Tom Dan San(sp?). He took 3000 separate satellite pictures
taken over a 3 year period, digitally stitched together. He chose
images that would give a cloud free view of every square inch of
the earth's surface. All of the land mass is accurately portrayed.
When that is spread out it becomes an iconic image.
The Most Ridiculous Thing
I show this because I want to tell you a story about
two teachers I had, one that I did not like that much, the other
who was a real hero to me. I had a grade school teacher who taught
geography by pulling a map of the world down in front of the
blackboard. I had a classmate in the sixth grade who raised his
hand and he pointed to the outline of the east coast of South
America, and he pointed to the west coast of Africa, and he asked,
"Did they ever fit together?" And the teacher said, "Of course not!
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." That student
went on to be a drug addict and a ne'er do well. That teacher went
on to be a science advisor in the current administration.
But you know, the teacher was actually reflecting the conclusion
of the scientific establishment at that time: "Continents are so
big that obviously they don't move." But actually as we now know
they did move. They moved apart from one another, but at one time
they did in fact fit together. But that assumption was a
problem.
It reflected the well known wisdom:
"What gets us into trouble is not what you don't know, but what
you think you know that just ain't so."
This is actually an important point, believe it or not because
there is another such assumption that a lot people have in their
minds right now about global warming that just isn't so. The
assumption goes like this:
"The world is so big is that we can't possibly have any lasting,
harmful impact earth environment."
Maybe that was true at one time, but it is not true any more. One
of the reasons it is not true anymore, because one of the most
vulnerable parts is the atmosphere vulnerable because it's so thin.
My friend the late Carl Sagan used to
say that if you have a globe with a thin coat of varnish on it, the
thickness of that varnish relative that globe is pretty much the
same as the thickness of the earth's atmosphere compared to the
earth itself. It is thin enough that we are capable of changing its
composition.
That
brings up the basic science of global warming. I'm not going to
spend a lot of time on this because you know it well. The sun's
radiation comes in the form of light waves and heats up the earth.
Some of The radiation that is absorbed and warms the earth is
re-radiated back into space in the form infrared radiation. Some of
the outgoing infrared radiation is trapped inside the atmosphere.
That is good thing because it keeps the temperature of the earth
within certain boundaries, keeps it relatively constant and
livable. But the problem is that this thin layer of atmosphere is
being thickened by all of the global warming pollution that is
being put up there. What that does is it thickens this layer of
atmosphere. More of the outgoing infrared is trapped. So the
atmosphere heats up worldwide.
Carbon Dioxide Levels
This is the image that started me in my interest in this issue.
I saw it when I was a college student because I had a college
professor named Roger
Revelle who was the first person to have the idea to measure
the amount of carbon dioxide in the earth's atmosphere. He saw
where the story was going. After the first few years of data, he
intuited what is meant, for what is yet to come. They designed the
experiment in 1957. He hired Charles David
Keeling who was very faithful and precise in making these
measurements for decades. They started sending these weather
balloons every day. They chose the middle of the Pacific because it
was the area that was the most remote. He was a very hard nosed
scientist. He really liked the hard data. It was a wonderful time
for me, because, like a lot of young people, I came into contact
with intellectual ferment, ideas that I'd never considered in my
wildest dreams before.
He showed our
class the result of these measurements after only a few years. It
was startling to me. He was startled and he made it clear to our
class what he felt the significance of it was. I soaked it up like
a sponge. He drew the connection between the larger changes in our
civilization and this pattern that was now visible in the
atmosphere entire planet.
He projected into the future where this was headed unless we made
some adjustments and it was as clear as day. After the first seven,
eight, or nine years you can see the pattern was developing. But I
had to question why does it go up and down once each year? He
explained that if you look at the land mass of the earth, very
little it is south of the equator. The vast majority of it is north
of the equator. And most of the vegetation is north of the equator.
When the northern hemisphere is
tilted toward the sun as it is in our spring and summer, the
leaves come out and they breathe in the carbon dioxide and the
amount in the atmosphere goes down. When the northern hemisphere is
tilted away from the sun as it is in our fall and winter, the leave
fall down and exhale the carbon dioxide and the amount in the
atmosphere goes up again. It's as if the entire earth once each
year breathes in and out.
He started measuring carbon dioxide in 1958. By the middle
sixties when he showed my class this image, it was already clear
that it was going up. I respected him and learned from him so much
I followed this.
Political Journey
When I went to the Congress in the middle 1970's I helped organize
the first hearings on global warming, I asked my professor to be
the lead off witness. I thought that would have such a big impact
we'd be well on the way to solving this problem, but it didn't work
out that way. I kept having hearings, and in 1984 I went to the
Senate and really dug deeply into this issue with science round
tables and the like. I wrote a book about it. I ran for president
in 1988 partly try to gain some visibility for this issue. In 1992
went to the Whitehouse. We passed a version carbon tax and some
other measures to try to address this. I went to Kyoto in 1997
to help get a treaty that is so controversial, in the US at least.
In 2000 my opponent pledged to regulate the CO2 and that was not a pledge
that was kept. The point of this is all this time you can see
what I have seen all these years. It just keeps going up. It is
relentless.
Effects of Global Warming
Ice Cores: The 650,000 Record
There is a message in this. It is worldwide. The ice has a
story to tell and it is worldwide. My friend
Lonnie Thompson digs cores in the ice.
They dig down and they bring
the core drills back up and they look at the ice and they study it.
When the snow falls it traps little bubbles of atmosphere. They can
go in and measure how much CO2 was in the atmosphere the year that
snow fell. What's even more interesting I think is they can measure
the different isotopes of oxygen and figure out the very precise
thermometer and tell you what the temperature was the year that
bubble was trapped in the snow as it fell.
When I was in Antarctica I saw cores like this and the guy
looked at it. He said right here is where the US Congress passed
the Clean Air Act. I couldn't believe it but you can see the
difference with the naked eye. Just a couple of years after that
law was passed, it's very clearly distinguishable.
They can count back year by year the same way a forester reads
tree rings. You can see each annual layer from the melting and
refreezing. They can go back in a lot of these mountain glaciers a
thousand years. They constructed a thermometer of the temperature.
The blue is cold and the red is warm. I show this for a couple of
reasons. Number one the so called skeptics will sometimes say "Oh,
this whole thing is cyclical phenomenon. There was a medieval
warming period after all." Well yeah there was. There it is right
there. There are one there and two others. But compared to what is
going on now, there is just no comparison. So if you look at a
thousand years worth of temperature and compare it to a thousand
years of CO2 you can see how closely they fit together. Now, a
thousand years of CO2 data in the mountain glacier. That is one
thing. But in Antarctica, they can go back
650,000 years. This incidentally is the first time anybody
outside of a small group of scientists have seen this image. This
is the present day era and that's the last ice age. Then it goes
up. We're going back in time now 650,000 years. That's the period
of warming between the last two ice ages back. That's the second
and third ice age back.
CO2 Concentration Is Above 300 PPM
Now an important point: In all of this time, 650,000 years, the CO2
level has never gone above 300 parts per million. Now, as I said,
they can also measure temperature. Here is what the temperature has
been on our earth. One thing that kind of jumps out at you is. Let
me put it this way. If my class mate from the sixth grade that
talked about Africa and South America might have said, "Did they
ever fit together?" Most ridiculous thing I ever heard. But they
did of course. The relationship is very complicated. But there is
one relationship that is more powerful than all the others and it
is this. When there is more carbon dioxide, the temperature gets
warmer, because it traps more heat from the sun inside. In the
parts of the United States that contain the modern cities of
Cleveland, Detroit, New York in the northern tier. This is the
difference between a nice day and having a mile of ice above your
head. Keep that in mind when you look at this fact. Carbon dioxide
having never gone above 300 PPM, here is where CO2 is now. We give
off where it has never been as far back as this record will
measure. If you will bear with me I would like to emphasize this
point. It's already right here. Look how far above the natural
cycle this is, and we've done that. But ladies and gentleman, in
less than 50 years it's going to continue to go up. When some of
these children who are here are my age, here's where it's going to
be in less than 50 years. You've heard of off the chart. Within
less than 50 years it'll be here. There's not a single fact or day
or number that's been used to make this up that is in any
controversy. The so-called skeptics look at this and say, "So, that
looks seems perfectly okay." On the temperature side: If this much
on the cold side is a mile of ice over our heads, what would that
much on the warmer side be?
This is really not a political issue so much as a moral issue.
If we allow that to happen, it is deeply unethical. I have such
faith in our democratic system, our self-government, I actually
thought and believed that the story would be compelling enough to
cause a real sea change in the way Congress reacted to that. I
thought they would be startled and they weren't.
Children
The struggle, the victories that aren't really victories, the
defeats that aren't really defeats can serve to magnify the
significance of trivial . and exaggerate the seeming importance of
massive setbacks.
It just turned my whole world around. How should I spend my time
on this Earth? I really dug in, trying to learn about it much more
deeply. I went to the South Pole, the North Pole, the Amazon...
The possibility of losing something that was precious to me...
What we take for granted might not be here for our children. It
turned my whole world upside down. It shook it until everything
just fell out.
My way of being in the world. It just changed everything for me.
How should I spend my time on this earth? I really dug in, trying
to learn about it much more deeply. I went to Antarctica, to the
South Pole, North Pole, the Amazon. I went to places where
scientists could help me understand parts of the issue I didn't
really understand in depth. The possibility of losing what was most
precious to me, I gained the ability that I maybe I didn't have
before, but when I felt it, I felt that we really could lose. What
we take for granted might not be here for our children.
The 10 Hottest Years
These are actual measurements of
atmospheric temperature since our civil war. In any given year it
might look like it's going down, but the overall trend is extremely
clear. In recent years it is uninterrupted and it is intensifying.
In fact, if you look at the 10 hottest years ever measured in this
atmospheric record, they have all occurred in the last 14 years.
The hottest of all was 2005. We have already seen some of the heat
waves scientists are saying are going to be a lot more common. A
couple of years ago in Europe they had that massive heat wave that
killed 35,000 people. India didn't get as much attention, but the
same year the temperature there went to 122 degrees Fahrenheit.
This past summer in the American west, there were a lot of cities
that broke all time records for high temperatures and for
consecutive days with 100 degree temperature or more. 200 cities
and towns in the west set all time records. And in the east there
were a lot of cities that did the same thing, including,
incidentally, New Orleans.
It's Natural!
So the temperature increases are taking place all over the world,
including in the ocean. This is the natural range of variability
for temperature in the ocean. You know people say, "Aw, it just
naturally go up and down, so don't worry about it." This is the
range that would be expected over the last 60 years. But the
scientists that specialize in global warming have computer models
that long ago predicted this range of temperature increase.
Ocean Temperature and Storms
Now I'm going to show you, recently released, the actual ocean
temperature. Of course when the oceans
get warmer, that causes stronger storms. We have seen in the
last couple of years, a lot of big hurricanes. Hurricanes Jean,
Francis and Ivan were among them. In the same year we had that
string of big hurricanes; we also set an all time record for
tornadoes in the United States. Japan again didn't get as much
attention in our news media, but they set an all time record for
typhoons. The previous record was seven. Here are all ten of the
ones they had in 2004. The science textbooks that have to be
re-written because they say it is impossible to have a hurricane in
the South Atlantic. It was the same year that the first one that
ever hit Brazil. The summer of 2005 is one for the books. The first
one was Emily that socked into Yucatan. Then Hurricane Dennis came
along and it did a lot of damage, including to the oil industry.
This is the largest oil platform in the world after Dennis went
through. This one was driven into the bridge at Mobile. And then of
course came
Katrina. It is worth remembering that when it hit Florida it
was a Category 1, but it killed a lot of people and caused billions
of dollars worth of damage. And then, what happened? Before it hit
New Orleans, it went over warmer water. As the water temperature
increases, the wind velocity increases and the moisture content
increases. And you'll see Hurricane Katrina form over Florida. And
then as it comes into the Gulf over warm water it becomes stronger
and stronger and stronger. Look at that Hurricane's eye. And of
course the consequences were so horrendous; there are no words to
describe it.
Sirens, background music, Mayor Ray Nagin. The water is up to my
neck. I don't think I'm going to make it.
How in god's name could that happen here? There had been
warnings that hurricanes would get stronger. There were warnings
that this hurricane, days before it hit, would breach the levies
and cause the kind of damage that it ultimately did cause. And one
question that we, as a people, need to decide is how we react when
we hear warnings from the leading scientists in the world.
Winnie's Warning
There was another storm in the 1930's of a different kind, a
horrible unprecedented storm in continental Europe. Winston
Churchill warned the people of England that it was different from
anything that had ever happened before, and they had to get ready
for it. A lot of people did not want to believe it and he got real
impatient with all the dithering. He said this:
"The era of procrastination, of half measures, of soothing, and
baffling expedience of delays is coming to its close. In its place
we are entering a period of consequences."
Making mistakes in generations and centuries past would have
consequences that we could overcome. We don't have that luxury
anymore. We didn't ask for it, but here it is.
2000 Election
Background: 2000 election debacle in Florida. We're officially
saying that Florida is too close to call. Supreme Court throws the
decision to Bush.
Gore: While I strongly disagree with the court's decision, I
accept it. I accept the finality of this outcome. Well, that was a
hard blow. But you make the best of it. It brought into clear
focus, the mission that I had been pursuing for all these years. I
started giving the slide show again.
Insurance
What is often unnoticed the fact that global
warming causes more precipitation but more of it coming in one time
big storm events because the evaporation off the ocean puts all the
moisture up there when storm conditions trigger the downpour before
it falls down. The
insurance industry has actually noticed this. Their recovered
losses are going up. See the damage from these severe weather
events. And 2005 is not even on this yet. When it does, it will be
off that chart.
Effects of Global Warming
Europe has just had a year very similar to the one we've had where
they say nature has just been crazy crazy, all kinds of unusual
catastrophes like a major hike through the book of Revelations.
Flooding in Asia, Mumbai, India this
past July (2005): 37 inches of rain in 24 hours, by far the
largest downpour that any city in India has ever received. A lot of
flooding in China also. Global warming paradoxically causes not
only more flooding, but also more droughts.
This neighboring province right next door had a severe drought at
the same time these areas were flooded. One of the reasons for this
has to do with the fact that global warming not only increases
precipitation world wide, but it also relocates the precipitation.
Focus most of all on this part of Africa just on the edge of the
Sahara. Unbelievable tragedies have been unfolding there and there
are a lot reasons for it. Darfur and Niger are among those
tragedies. One of the factors that has been compounding this is the
lack of rainfall and the increasing drought. This is
Lake Chad, once one of the largest lakes in the world. It has
dried up over the last few decades to almost nothing. That has been
complicating the other problems that they also have. The second
reason why this is a paradox: Global warming creates more
evaporation of the ocean that seeds the clouds, but it also sucks
moisture out of the soil. Soil evaporation increases dramatically
with higher temperatures. And that has consequences for us in the
United States as well.
Change and Timescales
Gore revisits the family farm. His father grew up on the farm.
Learning it from your dad on the land, that is something special.
Eight months in DC in a hotel apartment and the rest of the time on
the farm. As a kid it took me a while to learn the difference
between fun and work. The places where people live were chosen
because of the climate pattern that had been pretty much the same
on Earth since the end of the last ice age. Here on this farm,
patterns are changing. It seems gradual in the course of a human
lifetime but in the course of time as defined by this river, it's
happening very, very quickly.
A Canary in the Coal Mine: The Arctic
Two canaries in the coal mine. The first one is in the Arctic. Of
course the Arctic Ocean has a floating ice cap, Greenland on its
side there. I say canary in the coal mine because the Arctic is one
part of the world that is experiencing faster impact from global
warming. This is the largest ice shelf in the Arctic, the Ward Hunt
Ice Shelf. It just cracked in half a year ago. The scientists
were astonished.
Melting Permafrost
These are called drunken
trees just going every which way. This is not caused by wind
damage or alcohol consumption. These trees put their roots down in
the permafrost and the permafrost is thawing, so they just go every
which way now. This building was built on the permafrost and
collapsed as the permafrost thawed. This woman's house has had to
be abandoned. The pipeline is suffering a great deal of structural
damage. Incidentally, the oil that they want to produce in that
protected area in northern Alaska, which I hope they don't. They
have to depend on trucks to go in and out of there and the trucks
go over the frozen ground. This shows the number of days that the
tundra in Alaska is frozen enough to drive on it. 35 years ago it
was 225 days a year. Now it's below 75 days a year because the
spring comes earlier and the fall comes later and the temperatures
just keep on going up.
Fastest Temperature Increase Occurs at the Arctic
I went up to the North Pole. I went under that ice cap in a nuclear
submarine that surfaced through the ice like this. This thing
started patrolling in 1957. They have gone under the ice and
measured with their radar looking upward to measure how thick it is
because they can only surface where the thickness of the ice is 3
and half feet thick or less. So they have kept a meticulous record
and they wouldn't release because it was national security. I went
up there in order to persuade them to release them, and they did.
And
here's what that record showed. Starting in 1970 there was a
precipitous drop off in the amount and extent and thickness of the
arctic ice cap. It has diminished by 40 percent in 40 years. There
are two studies showing that in the next 50 or 70 years in
summertime it will be completely gone. Now you might say, "Why is
that a problem? How could the arctic ice cap actually melt so
quickly?" When the sun's rays hit the ice, more than 90 percent of
it bounces off right back into space like a mirror. But when it
hits the open ocean more than 90 percent is absorbed. As the
surrounding water gets warmer, it speeds up the melting of the ice.
Right now the arctic ice cap acts like a giant mirror. All the
sun's rays bounce off, more than 90 percent, to keep the earth
cooler. But as it melts and the open ocean receives that sun's
energy instead more than 90 percent is absorbed. So there is a
faster build up of heat here at the North Pole in the Arctic Ocean
and the Arctic generally than any where else on the planet. That's
not good for creatures like polar bears that depend on the ice. A
new scientific study shows that for the first time they're finding
polar
bears that have actually drowned, swimming long distances up to
60 miles to find the ice. They did not find that before. What does
it mean to us to look at vast expanse of open water at the top of
our world that used to be covered by ice? We ought to care a lot
because it has planetary effects.
Earth's Climate is an Engine
The earth climate is like a big engine for redistributing heat from
the equator to the poles. It does that by means of ocean current
and wind current. They tell us, the scientists do, that the earth
climate is a non-linear system. It's a fancy way they have of
saying that the changes are not all just gradual. Some of them come
suddenly in big jumps. On a world wide basis the annual average
temperature is about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. If we have an increase
of 5 degrees, which is on the low end of the projection, look at
how that translates globally. That means an increase of only 1
degree at the equator but more than 12 degrees at the poles. So all
those wind and ocean current patterns that have formed since the
last ice age and have been relatively stable, they are all up in
the air and they change. One of the ones they are most worried
about where they have spent a lot of time studying the problem is
the North Atlantic where the Gulf Stream comes up and meets the
cold wind coming off the arctic over Greenland and evaporates the
heat out of the Gulf Stream and the stream is carried over to
western Europe by the prevailing winds and the Earth's rotation.
Isn't it interesting that the whole ocean current system is all
linked together in this loop. They call it the ocean
conveyor. The red are the warm surface current, the Gulf Stream
is the best known of them. The blue represents the cold currents
running in the opposite direction. We don't see them at all because
they run along the bottom of the ocean. Up in the North Atlantic,
after that heat is pulled out, what's left behind is colder water
and saltier water, because salt doesn't go anywhere. That makes it
denser and heavier. That cold, dense heavy water sinks at a rate of
5 billion gallons per second. That pulls that current back south.
Disruption of the Ocean Conveyor
At the end of the last ice age as the Vlad glacier was receding
from North America, the ice melted and a giant pool of fresh water
formed in North America. The Great Lakes are the remnants of that
huge lake. An ice dam on the eastern border formed, and one day it
broke. All that fresh water came rushing out, ripping open the St.
Lawrence, there. It diluted the salty dense cold water, made it
fresher and lighter so it stopped sinking. And that pump shut off
and the heat transfer stopped, and Europe went back into an ice age
for another 900 or 1000 years. The change from conditions we have
here today to an ice age took place in perhaps as little as 10
years time. That is a sudden jump. Of course that's not going to
happen again, because the glaciers of North America are not there.
Is there any big chunk of ice anywhere near there? Oh yeah,
(pointing at Greenland). We'll come back to that one.
Politics: Reagan, Bush1 and Kyoto
It is extremely frustrating to me to communicate . and we are still
by far the worst contributor to the crisis. I look around and look
for really meaningful signs that we are about to really change. I
don't see it right now.
Reagan: Very reputable scientists have said that one factor of
air pollution is oxides of nitrogen from decaying vegetation. This
is what causes the haze that gave the Big Smokey Mountains their
name.
Bush I: This guy is so far off on the environmental extremes,
we'll be up to our neck in owls and out of work for every American.
This guy's crazy!
This is perhaps the greatest hoax that has ever been perpetuated
on the American People. If it is not on the tips of their
constituents tongues, it's easy for them to ignore it. They say,
"Well, let's deal with that tomorrow."
Predator/Prey Disruptions and Misplaced Cities
So this same phenomenon of changing all these patterns is also
changing the seasons. Here is a study from the Netherlands. The
peak arrival date for migratory birds 25 years ago was April 25.
Their chicks hatched on June 3, just at the time when the
caterpillars were coming out: Nature's plan. But 20 years of
warming later the caterpillars peaked two weeks earlier. The chicks
tried to catch up with it, but they couldn't. So they are in
trouble. There are millions of ecological niches that are affected
by global warming in just this way. This is the number of days with
frost in southern Switzerland over the last one hundred years. It
has gone down rapidly. But now watch this. This is the number of
new exotic species that have rushed in to fill the new ecological
niches that are opening up. That's happening here in the United
States too. You've heard of the
pine beetle problem? Those pine beetles used to be killed by
the cold winter, but there are fewer days of frost. So the pine
trees are being devastated. This is part of the 14 million acres of
spruce trees in Alaska that have been killed by bark beetles, the
exact same phenomenon. There cities that were founded because they
were just above the mosquito line. Nairobi is one. Harare is
another. There are plenty of others. Now the mosquitoes with
warming are climbing to hirer altitudes.
Infectious Disease
There are a lot of vectors for infectious diseases that are
worrisome to us that are also expanding their range, not only
mosquitoes but all these others as well. We've had 30 so-called new
diseases that have emerged in just the last quarter century. A lot
of them like SARS have caused tremendous problems. The resistant
forms of tuberculosis. There has been a re-emergence of some
diseases that were once under control. The Avian flu, of course is
quite a serious matter, as you know. West Nile Virus came to the
eastern shore of Maryland in 1999. Two years later it was across
the Mississippi. And two years after that it had spread across the
continent. These are very troubling times.
Coral Reefs
Coral reefs all over the world because of global warming and other
factors are bleaching and they end up like this. All the fish
species that depend on the coral reef are also in jeopardy as a
result. Overall species loss is now occurring at a rate 1000 times
greater than the natural background rate.
The Second Canary: Antarctic Peninsula Sea Ice
This brings me to the second canary in the coal mine, Antarctica,
the largest mass of ice on the planet by far. A friend of mine said
in 1978, "If you see the break up of ice shelves along the Antarctic
Peninsula, watch out, because that should be seen as an alarm
bell for global warming. If you look at the peninsula up close,
every place where you see one of these green blotches is an ice
shelf larger than the state of Rhode Island that has broken up in
just the last 15 to 20 years. I want to focus on just one of them
called Larsen B. I want you to look at these black pools here. It
makes it seem almost as if we are looking through the ice to the
ocean beneath. But that's an illusion. This is melting water that
forms this pool. If you were flying over it in a helicopter, you'd
see it 700 feet tall. They are so majestic, so massive. In the
distance are the mountains, and just before the mountains is the
shelf of the continent. This is floating ice, and there is land
based ice on the down-slope of those mountains. From here to the
mountains is about 20 to 25 miles. They thought this would be
stable for about a hundred years, even with global warming. The
scientists who study these ice shelves were absolutely astonished
when they were looking at these images. Starting in January 31,
2002, in a period of 35 days, this ice shelf completely
disappeared. They could not figure out how in the world this
happened so rapidly. They went back to figure out where they had
gone wrong. That's when they focused on those pools of melting
water. Even before they could figure out what had happened there,
something else started going wrong. When
the floating sea-based ice cracked up, it no longer held back the
ice on the land. The land-based ice then started falling into
the ocean. It was like letting the cork out of a bottle. There's a
difference between floating ice and land-based ice. It's like the
difference between an ice cube floating in a glass of water, which
when it melts doesn't raise the level of water in the glass, and a
cube sitting atop a stack of ice cubes, which melts and flows over
the edge. That's why the citizens of these pacific nations had all
had to evacuate to New Zealand.
West Antarctica Land Based Ice
I want to focus on West Antarctica, because it illustrates two
factors about land-based ice and sea-based ice. It's a little of
both. It's propped on tops of islands, but the ocean comes up
underneath it. So if the ocean gets warmer, it has an impact on it.
If this were to go, sea levels worldwide would go up 20 feet.
They've measured disturbing changes on the underside of this ice
sheet. It's considered relatively more stable, however, than
another big body of ice that is roughly the same size. Greenland
Impact of 20 Foot Rise in Sea Level
In 1992 they measured this amount of melting in Greenland. 10 years
later this is what happened. And here is the melting from 2005.
Tony Blair's scientific advisor has said that because of what is
happening in Greenland right now, the map of the world will have to
be redrawn. If Greenland broke up and melted, or if
half of Greenland and half of West Antarctica broke up and melted,
this is what would happen to the sea level in Florida. This is what
would happen in the San Francisco Bay. A lot of people live in
these areas. The Netherlands, the low-countries: absolutely
devastating. The area around Beijing is home to tens of millions of
people. Even worse, in the area around Shanghai, there are 40
million people. Worse still, Calcutta and, to the East Bangladesh
the area covered includes 50 million people. Think of the impact of
a couple hundred thousand refugees when they are displaced by an
environmental event and then imagine the impact of a hundred
million or more. Here is Manhattan. This is the World Trade Center
Memorial Site. After the horrible events of 9/11 we said never
again. But this is what would happen to Manhattan. They can measure
this precisely, just as the scientists could predict precisely how
much water would breech the levy in New Orleans. The area where the
World Trade Center Memorial is to be located would be under water.
Is it possible that we should prepare against other threats besides
terrorists? Maybe we should be concerned about
other problems as well.
Civilization and Earth
This issue is the same for China as it is for the US.
Separating the truth from the fiction and the accurate
connection from the misunderstanding is part of what you learn
here. When the warnings are accurate and based on sound science,
then we as human beings, whatever country we live in, have to find
a way to make sure that the warnings are heard and responded
to.
We both have a hard time shaking loose the familiar patterns
that we relied on in the past. We both faced completely
unacceptable consequences.
We are witnessing a collision between our civilization and the
Earth. There are three factors that are causing this collision.
Population - when the baby
boom generation was born after WW II the population had just
crossed the 2 billion mark. I'm in my 50s and it's already gone to
6 « billion. If I reach the demographic expectation for the
baby boomers, it will go over 9 billion. If it takes 10,000
generations to reach 2 billion and then, in one human lifetime,
ours, it goes from 2 billion to 9 billion, something profoundly
different is going on right now. We're putting more pressure on the
Earth. Most of it's in the poorer nations of the world. It puts
pressure on food demand. It puts pressure on water demand. It puts
pressure on vulnerable natural resources, and this pressure is one
of the reasons we have seen such devastation of the forest, not
only tropical but elsewhere. It is a political issue. This is the
border between Haiti and the Dominican Republic. One set of
policies here. Another set of policies here. Much of it comes not
only from cutting, but also burning. Almost 30% of the CO2 that
goes up into the atmosphere each year is from forest burning. This
is a time-lapse picture of the Earth at night over a six month
period showing the lights of the cities in white and the burning
forests and brush fires in red. The yellow areas are the gas flares
like these in Siberia.
- The scientific and technological revolution is a great blessing
in that it has given us tremendous benefit in medicine and
communication. But this new power that we have also brings a
responsibility to think about its consequences. Here's a formula to
think about. Old habits plus old technology have predictable
consequences. Old habits plus new technology can have dramatically
altered consequences. Warfare with spears and bows and arrows and
rifles and machine guns, that's one thing. But then a new
technology came. (Atomic bomb blast. We have to think differently
about war because the new technologies so completely transformed
the consequences of that old habit that we can't just mindlessly
continue the patterns of the past. In the same way we have always
exploited the Earth for sustenance. For most of our existence we
used relatively simple tools: the plow, the tractor. But even tools
like shovels are different now. A shovel used to be like this.
Shovels have gotten bigger and every year they get more powerful.
Our ability to have an effect on the surface of the Earth is
utterly transformed. You can say the same thing about irrigation
which is a great thing, but when we divert rivers without
considering the consequences, sometimes the rivers never reach the
sea. There were two rivers in central Asia that were used by the
former Soviet Union that were used for irrigating cotton fields
unwisely. The Errol Sea was fed by them used to be the fourth
largest inland sea in the world. When I went there I saw this
strange sight of an enormous fishing fleet resting in the sand.
This is the canal that the fishing industry desperately tried to
build to get to the receding shoreline. Making mistakes in our
dealings with nature can have bigger consequences now because our
technologies are often bigger than the human scale. When you put
them all together they made us a force of nature.
This is also a political issue. This is a computer
map of the world that purports to show the relative
contribution to global warming. In our country we are responsible
for more than all of South America, all of Africa, all of the
Middle East, all of Asia all combined. The per capita average in
Africa, India, China, Japan, EU, Russia, here's where we are way,
way above everyone else. If you take population into account it's a
little bit different. China's playing a bigger role, so is Europe,
but we are
still by all odds the largest contributor. And so it is up to
us to look at how we think about.
- The way we think about it is the third and final factor that
transforms our relationship to the Earth. If a frog jumps into a
pot of boiling water, it jumps right out again, because it senses
the danger. But the very same frog if it jumps into a pot of luke
warm water that is slowly brought to a boil, will just sit there
and it won't move. It will just sit there even as the temperature
continues to go up and up. It will stay there until.. until.. it is
rescued. It is important to rescue the frog. The point is this: Our
collective nervous system is like that frog's nervous system. It
takes a sudden jolt sometimes before we become aware of a danger.
If it seems gradual, even it is really adapting quickly, we are
capable of just sitting there and not reacting.
The Tobacco Industry
I don't remember a time when I was a kid when summertime didn't
mean working with tobacco. I used to love it. It was during that
period when working with the guys on the farm seemed like fun to
me. Starting in 1964 with the Surgeon General's report, the
evidence was laid out on the connection between smoking cigarettes
and lung cancer. We kept growing tobacco.
Nancy was almost 10 years older than me, and there were only two
of us. She was my protector and my friend at the same time. She
started smoking when she was a teenager and never stopped. She died
of lung cancer. That's one of the ways you don't want to die. The
idea that we had been part of that economic pattern that produced
the cigarettes that produced the cancer, it was so painful at so
many levels. My father, he had grown tobacco all his life. He
stopped it. Whatever explanation that seemed to make sense in the
past, just didn't cut it anymore. He stopped it. It's just human
nature to take time to connect the dots. I know that. But I also
know that there can be a day of reckoning when you wished you had
connected the dots more quickly.
Three Misconceptions
- Isn't there a disagreement among scientists about whether the
problem is real or not? Actually, not really. There was a massive
study of every scientific article in a peer reviewed article
written on global warming in the last ten years. They took a big
sample of 10 percent, 928 articles. And you know the number of
those that disagreed with the scientific consensus that we're
causing global warming and that is a serious problem out of the
928: Zero. The misconception that there is disagreement about the
science has been deliberately created by a relatively small number
of people. One of their internal memos leaked and here is what it
said according to the press. Their objective is to reposition
global warming as a theory rather than fact. This has happened
before. after the Surgeon General's report. One of their memos
leaked 4 years ago. They said, "Doubt is our product, since it is
the best means of creating a controversy in the public's mind." But
have they succeeded? You'll remember that there were 928 peer
reviewed articles. Zero percent disagreed with the consensus. There
was another study of all the articles in the popular press. Over
the last fourteen years they listed a sample of 636. More than half
of them said, "Well, we are not sure. It could be a problem, may
not be a problem." So no wonder people are confused.
Hey! What did you find out? Working for who? .
Scientists have an independent obligation to respect and present
the truth as they see it.
"Why do you directly contradict yourself in the testimony you're
giving about this scientific question?"
"That last paragraph in that section was not a paragraph which I
wrote. That was added to my testimony."
"If they force you to change a scientific conclusion it is a
form of scientific fraud by them."
"I've seen scientists who were persecuted, ridiculed, deprived
of jobs, income simply because the facts they discovered led them
to an inconvenient truth that they insisted on telling."
"He worked for the American Petroleum Institute and in January
of 2001 he was put by the president in charge of environmental
policy. He received a memo from the EPA that warned about global
warming. He had no scientific training whatsoever, but he took it
upon himself to overrule the scientists. I want to know what this
guy's handwriting looks like. This is the memo from the EPA. These
are his actual pen strokes. He said, "No, you can't say this. This
is just speculation." This was embarrassing to the Whitehouse. So
this fellow resigned a few days later. The day after he resigned he
went to work for Exxon-Mobil.
You know more than a hundred years ago, Upton Sinclair wrote
this: "It's difficult to get a man to understand something if his
salary depends on him not understanding it."
- The second misconception: Do we have to choose between the
economy and the environment? This is a big one. A lot of people say
we do. I was trying to convince the first Bush administration to go
to the Earth Summit. They organized a big Whitehouse conference to
say, "We're on top of this." One of these viewgraphs caught my
attention and I want to talk about it for a minute. Here is the
choice we have to make according to this group. We have here a
scale that balances two different things. On one side, we have gold
bars. Mmmmm. Don't they look good! I'd just like to have some of
those gold bars. On the other side of the scale we have. The Entire
Planet! Hmm? I think this is a false choice for two reasons. Number
one, if we don't have a planet. The other reason is that if we do
the right thing, then we are going to create a lot of wealth and we
are going to create a lot of jobs, because doing the right thing
moves us forward.
I've probably given this slide show a thousand times. I've tried
to identify all those things in people's minds that serve as
obstacles to them understanding this. Whenever I feel like I've
identified an obstacle, I try to take it apart, roll it away,
remove it, blow it up. I set myself a goal: communicate this real
clearly. The only way I know to do it is city by city, person by
person, family by family. And I have faith that pretty soon enough
minds are changed that we cross a threshold.
Let me give you an example of the wrong way to balance the
economy and the environment. One part of this issue involves
automobiles. Japan has mileage standards up here. Europe plans to
pass Japan. Our allies in Australia and Canada are leaving us
behind. Here's where we are. There is a reason for it. They say
that we can't protect the environment too much without threatening
the economy and threatening the auto makers, because auto makers in
China might come in and just steal all our market. Well, here is
where China's auto mileage standards are now. We can't sell our
cars in China today because we don't meet China's mileage
standard.
California has taken some initiative to have higher mileage cars
sold in California. The auto companies have sued California to
prevent this law from taking effect because as they point out,
eleven years from now this would mean California would have to have
cars for sale that are as efficient eleven years from now as
China's are today: clearly too onerous a provision to comply with.
Is this helping our companies to succeed? Actually, if you look at
who's doing well in the world it's the companies that are building
more efficient cars. Our companies are in deep trouble.
- Final misconception: If we accept that this problem is real,
maybe it is just too big to do anything about. There are a lot of
people who go straight from denial to despair without pausing on
the intermediate step of actually doing something about the
problem. That's what I would like to finish with: the fact that we
already know everything we need to know to effectively address this
problem. We've got to do a lot of things, not just one. Increasing
end use efficiency we can remove global warming pollution that
would other wise be put into the atmosphere.
- More efficient electrical appliances
- Higher mileage cars
- Other transport efficiency
- Renewable technology
- Carbon capture sequestration
They all add up and pretty soon we are below our 1970 emission. We
have everything we need, save perhaps political will. In America,
political will is a renewable resource.
We have the ability to do this. Each one of us is a cause of
global warming, but each of us can make choices to change that with
the things we buy, with the electricity we use, the cars we drive.
We can make choices to bring our individual carbon emissions to
zero. The solutions are in our hands. We just have to have the
determination to make them happen.
States and Cities
Are we going to be left behind as the rest of the world moves
forward? All
of these nations have ratified Kyoto. There are only two
advanced nations in the world that have not ratified Kyoto and we
are one of them. The other is Australia. Luckily several states are
taking the initiative. The nine northeastern states have banded
together on reducing CO2. California and Oregon are taking the
initiative. Pennsylvania is exercising leadership on solar power
and wind power. US cities are stepping up to the plate. One after
the other, we have seen all these cities pledge to take on global
warming.
Rising to the Occasion
What about the rest of us? Ultimately this question comes down to
this: Are we as Americans capable of doing great things even though
they are difficult? Are we capable of rising above ourselves and
above history? The record indicates that we do have that capacity.
We formed a nation. We fought a revolution and brought something
new to this Earth, a free nation guaranteeing individual liberty.
America made a moral decision that slavery was wrong and that we
could not be half free and half slave. We as Americans decided that
of course women should have the right vote. We defeated
totalitarianism and won a war in the Pacific and the Atlantic
simultaneously. We desegregated our schools and cured some diseases
like polio. We landed on the moon, the very example of what's
possible when we are at our best. We worked together in a
completely bipartisan way to bring down communism. We have even
solved a global environmental crisis before, the hole in the
stratospheric ozone layer. This was said to be an impossible
problem to solve because it's a global environmental challenge
requiring cooperation from every nation in the world. But we took
it on, and the United States took the lead in phasing out the
chemicals that caused that problem. So now we have to use our
political processes in our democracy and then decide to act
together to solve those problems. But we have to have a different
perspective on this one. It is different than any problem we have
faced before.
Our Only Home
You remember that home movie of the earth spinning in space. One of
those spacecraft continuing on out into the universe, when it got 4
billion miles out in space, Carl Sagan said, "Let's take another
picture of the earth." See that pale blue dot. That's us.
Everything that has ever happened in all of human history has
happened on that pixel. All the triumphs and all the tragedies, all
the wars, all the famines, all the major advances: it's our only
home. And that is what is at stake: our ability to live on planet
Earth, to have a future as a civilization.
I believe this is a moral issue. It is your time to see this
issue. It is our time to rise again to procure our future.
There's nothing that unusual about what I'm doing. What is
unusual is that I had the privilege to be shown it as a young man.
It is almost as if a window was opened through which the future was
very clearly visible. See that? That is the future in which you are
going to live your life.
Future generations may well have occasion to ask themselves.
"What were our parents thinking? Why didn't they wake up when they
had a chance?"
We have to hear that question from them, now.
buy the book
movie
review
Are you a
global warming skeptic?
Painting the campus green.
Half of global car exhaust Produced by US Vehicles
Lighting the key to energy saving
Newsvine on the environment
Newsvine on the global-warming
How to Reduce Your Greenhouse Gas Emissions
Created - 2006 |
The Man Who Coined The Phrase "Truthiness" Stephen Colbert Roasts Bush
Transcript of Stephen Colbert's monologue at the White House Correspondents Dinner
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof
S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to
get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George
W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper
-- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have
helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your
table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're
not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go
straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve
endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up,
and that's not true. That's cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the
Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the
"No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe
it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it
has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe
democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a
fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du
Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion,
be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention
to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And
reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important
to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means
it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before
a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything
else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president,
he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No.
Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay
attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does
that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like
aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens
to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on
the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered
car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees.
She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no
heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me
the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president,
let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed
on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here
with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of
Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things
are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over
the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans
didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary
announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through
a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around
in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration.
You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody
asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck
chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration
is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've
all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone
here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy.
Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire!
Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're
strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting
and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's
like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert
makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about
Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because
I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain,
it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when
you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome
you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar,
I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought
along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant
to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest
job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course,
eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't
made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these
people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like
to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with him at a podium, addressing the assembled Washington press
corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well,
well, how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams,
and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in
this." Do you stand by that statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail
and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button
and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity
of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds
of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really
want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry,
Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening
to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs.
Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the
door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry.
Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call
box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq! ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles
with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert
just can't get the keys into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just
pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and
locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing
in front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station.
The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame
First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!
-
---------------- look below
here is me doing skating (from when I was 7 )https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ECdxx_hvcQ turn down your volume, it is loud.
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